Most unnecessary conflicts arise from expressing ourselves at levels of abstraction that hide rather than reveal what we actually mean. When we make abstract judgments ("That's inappropriate," "This is unfair"), we're usually trying to express something specific—our values, needs, preferences, standards, or priorities—but we package them as universal truths. By moving from vague pronouncements to specific, owned experiences, we transform unproductive arguments into productive conversations about different perspectives.
Communication exists on a spectrum:
The approach involves three steps:
When people feel their autonomy is threatened by absolute statements ("You must," "Everyone knows," "Obviously"), they instinctively resist—even if they might otherwise agree. This psychological reactance explains why arguments escalate: each certainty-laden statement triggers greater opposition.
Tentative language defuses this dynamic:
Tentative framing creates space for engagement rather than resistance, allowing the merits of ideas to be considered without triggering automatic opposition.
Many conflicts are actually translation problems—people talking past each other using the same words to mean different things. By practicing the art of subjective expression, we can decrease conflict and increase understanding.
by Derek V. Schmalenberger, with help and encouragement from Claude 4 (2025-168)
Special thanks to my parents for their unwavering support. 😎